Baby daddy issues

I’ve been wondering, does the system of law still work in Nigeria? Since we’re on the issue of marriage, relationships, and baby mamas- I felt it would be nice to share this one and hear your thoughts. Asides from men like Adam who take it upon themselves to do their due diligence by catering for their children Read here, does court-mandated spousal or child support actually work in Nigeria?

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Before you start thinking this is about me, NO! It’s not. Let me use this opportunity to publicly announce that I Soroye, do not have a baby mama and after going through this traumatizing experience with a friend: I don’t intend on getting one anytime soon. For anonymity and conversation’s sake, I will refer to my friend as ‘ADAM’ and his baby mama as ‘JEZE’. Please feel free to think of ‘JEZE’ as a short form of Jezebel. Just Incase you were wondering, Adam already knows his business is out in public, so he has no issues with this write-up.

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Wake me up at the good part

       Have you ever thought of running away? Just waking up one morning: packing your bags and leaving. Leaving your reality, leaving your problems and all your insecurities behind? They say part of life is facing ‘life’ head-on, but can we skip some and get to the good parts? Sometimes I wish that mind eraser thing from the movie ‘men in black’ was real: just touch my head and make me forget. Different people going through different things, and you can’t help but wonder why we all cannot simply be absolutely-positively happy. 
It makes me remember those dystopian futuristic movies where to be happy, you have to forgo something in your life. I’ll happily let go of some things to skip to the good parts. No matter what level of life you’re in or how seemingly settled you might appear to be, everyone is going through something. No one is conflict-free or immune to the ups and downs of life. I hate to sound like a philosopher or know it all, but I think you have to take everything together. It’s all rolled up into one. The good has to exist with the bad, light with the dark, happiness with sadness, life and death. 
The duality of life, totally captured by the  Chinese in the ying-yang. One can’t exist without the other, but even with my ying-yang tattoo and my understanding of this philosophy, my mind can’t help but wonder. It’s tiring when you have to repeatedly be happy for everyone else: so they don’t tag you as their spiritual enemy when in actuality you just couldn’t care about the whole facade. All I want to do is wear white and walk around aimlessly, feeling and caressing the leaves while surrounded by beautiful vegetation. (You know the way they do in movie scenes that depict heaven), is that too much to ask for? 
 Everyone’s idea of heaven’s dress code is a white linen shirt, white linen pants, and white espadrilles or Tom’s- depending on how fashionable you were when you were alive. Life can be overwhelming, but while you wait for better days: listen to some soothing music, keep your fingers crossed and ride the wave. Peace and love. 

Over-thinking kills.

       Good afternoon my people. Hope everyone is doing great today? I feel like Impromptu and unplanned posts are somehow becoming my thing. I was going to write about birds or something like that, but as I was doing my final edits on that post while chatting with a friend on WhatsApp- she sent me an old picture she got off Facebook. It was a picture of me at a party, dressed in all white (that’s how star do):  not really old, just taken last year. I was explaining to her that I had a love/hate relationship with the picture, and she asked why.
The thing is when the picture was initially taken- I loved it. In the weeks following that, I loved it still. But as time passed, I stared at it so much that the more I stared at it- the more I found faults with it. Every time I looked and zoomed in, the reasons to hate it kept piling up. So what started out as a really good picture, turned out to be one of my not so great pictures.  A lot of things in life are like this. When we want to do something, we tend to over-think and over-analyze it. Looking at every angle and trying to see if it checks out everywhere. It’s a trap, don’t do it. 
The sad thing is, it becomes so over-analyzed that we end up doing nothing. You over-analyze so much that your mind convinces itself that the odds are stacked against you, and it can’t be done. I’m the president of the over-thinkers club, and it’s a pleasure meeting you. I sit down and analyze what is there and what is not there. What was said and what was not said. Don’t do it. Don’t allow yourself to be consumed with ticking all the boxes at once, just do it. Never think about it too much. Whenever you want to do something, give it about two quick thoughts and follow through. 
The follow-through is key, and it’s the follow-through that’s usually missing with overthinking. That aside, over-thinking can get you in more trouble than you care for. You start to mentally create paradigms and read between the lines when in the actual sense there really is no line. Someone says something innocent, you’re left thinking of the context and tone the person said it in.  Some things are just ordinary, nothing to it: so no reason to over-analyze them. Just let it be as exactly what it is, a moment in time. Peace and Love.

A man-made natural thing

       I‘m part of a Telegram group chat where yesterday we were discussing a topic that branched nicely into diseases and conspiracy theories i.e.  Are viruses Man-made or natural? A lot of people presented arguments attributing viruses to the works of man, while others said they were natural.  This statement being partly true because: over the years, we’ve seen doctors experiment with things they know nothing about- leading to disastrous outcomes.  One guy even said it was a concerted effort by pharmaceutical companies to maximize profit, and he had a point. How else to sell out your stock than to create a demand? If you ask me, I think it’s a mixture of both. 
You can’t negate nature in the advent of some diseases, and man aka scientists also have a role to play in the origin of others.  A lady argued (using cancer as a case study) that the advancement of technology is the major cause of cancer and a lot of other viruses.  I beg to differ.  Ignorance is bliss, but ignorance kills. She talked about how in the olden days people lived longer, and cavemen didn’t have the technology but handled themselves fine. You would find that the lives of cavemen were riddled with diseases. In as much as they may or may not have lived longer than we do now, they had all those inexplicable diseases that killed in droves. 
So, isn’t it possible that someone could have died from cancer, but since there was no technological advancement (health-wise) they didn’t know it was cancer talk-less of receiving an early diagnosis?   An entire village wiped out by a ‘plague’ which unknown to them was just cholera. Cholera affected the whole village, as they all drank from the same contaminated water source. Everyone was having indiscriminate sex and dying or struck down by burning sensations in their groin, couldn’t it have been gonorrhea or some other STD? Technology has brought us so much. If only we knew earlier that you could catch a rapist by using semen deposit or fingerprints, so many won’t have walked away free.
People were repeatedly mixing blood groups and genotypes that weren’t supposed to go together, and then be alarmed when they lost their ‘constantly sick’ child. Now we know better, so much better that we recognize the place of health advancement in marriage. I want to marry you, but what’s your blood group? What’s your family’s health history, what’s your genotype?  Yes, a lot of diseases and infections are Man-made, but the effects of technological advancement can’t be ignored. Radiation might increase your risk of cancer, but without the technology that birthed radiation, you won’t even know what cancer is, or how to diagnose and manage it on time. Just my opinion though. Peace and love.

Lost cause

       I tend to move on really quickly from everything. I don’t dwell on misfortunes, cry over spilt milk or spend days brooding and waiting for a change of luck. So I would never understand why people just wait and wait endlessly for an absolution that may never come. Imagine waiting around for a girl that doesn’t like you, hoping your irritating presence would change her mind- or you can force a decision by always staying in her face. I’ve found that it’s fairly easy to know if a girl likes you or if she just wants you to go away. Fairly easy, but still a lot of us ignore these signs. 
For starters, when she’s blatantly fuming and screaming ‘I don’t like you’, I think she really doesn’t like you. I was in an office a couple of years ago where a girl received a phone call from a guy she obviously didn’t want to speak to. It was obvious because immediately the phone rang and she looked at the screen, she started frowning. As if contemplating if to pick the call or not, she just stared blankly at the phone screen and only picked the call on the last ring. “Hello”. That was the coldest hello I’d ever heard in my life. In as much as i couldn’t hear what the guy was saying, I could tell the conversation was forced and unpleasant because her demeanor had changed. Her usually happy dispensation was replaced by a cold, distant and smug answering machine lady, who responded to every question snappily and with an attitude. In my heart, I felt immense pity for the poor guy and secretly hoped he would end the call. 
Coincidentally, she received another call like 4 minutes after that (from another guy), and the difference was clear. She was all smiles, driving the conversation and cracking jokes. I knew she was funny, but i didn’t know she was Julius Agwu funny. She obviously liked this person, because she spoiled him with sweet names and asked him as much corny questions as you can ask in 2 minutes. When she ended the call, i had to tell her my observation and we both laughed about it. She made me understand that the first guy is someone disturbing her. She’s tried to cut him off severally, but he simply won’t get the memo. She said the second guy was the love of her life, her knight in shining armour and bla bla bla (they broke up later, but whatever). It’s easy to know if someone likes you, or not. We just ignore. 
Persistence is very tricky, in the sense that at exactly what point does it cross over from persistence to time wastage? Just like my last blog post about risk assessment in respect to decision making Read here, it’s very important that we consider this when making a decision. How do you tell when to hang on and expect a change, or when to just leave it and realize that no matter how long you spend with it, you’re wasting your time. Now, just like a girl: situations change depending on your level of persistence, but are you willing to take that chance and spend that time waiting. Do you know how annoying it is to spend so much time waiting and hoping for something, then at the end of the day it still doesn’t click. You realize much much later that although you may have learnt a thing or two, you’re a mug and you were simply wasting your time? Be persistent, but learn to recognize a lost cause and keep it moving. Peace and Love

Risk assessment

         Happy New Year. Take a look at the date, just look at it: It says 2020 doesn’t it? You made it. I hope the New Year ushers in good tidings and exponential growth for you, and I also pray that God gives you the wisdom to discern right from wrong. That last bit, ‘knowing right from wrong’ is a prayer adapted from little children, that I personally believe is the one prayer we should take most important. Making the wrong decision can completely alter the path of your life, hence no time wasting decisions needed. It’s like being offered the proverbial red or blue pill. Irrespective of the pill you choose, you have to deal with the consequences if you make the wrong choice. 
As opposed to praying and hoping for x and y, you will find that at some point in your life- opportunities were offered to you, you just made the wrong decision. What would have happened if you had chosen this instead, would your life have turned out better? You never know. I remember growing up a voracious reader, I used to read R.L Stine’s “Give yourself Goosebumps”, and it was a blast. For those that don’t know, “Give yourself Goosebumps” is a scenario type horror novel  where you’re given options that will determine your progression to the next phase or chapter. Do you want to choose option A, where bla bla bla happens? Or would you rather go with option B where bla bla bla happens? Either one you choose, you have to face the consequences.   
I figure life is kind of like this, and that’s where the knowledge to make the right decisions come in. Decisions that can make or mar your life. I’ll give you a very personal example. A couple of years ago, I applied for a training program with one of the biggest e-commerce platforms in Nigeria, and after undergoing the training I was offered a job. Around the same time, I had also been trying to get a job as a broadcaster in a radio station, which is ‘my passion’. It quickly became decision making time as both of them seemingly offered me a job. I say seemingly because, the radio station wasn’t really a job. It was an opportunity to get a job, but the e-commerce firm offered an outright job. What to do? I weighed everything, and debated on how I could do both. 
As fate would have it, the on-boarding date at the e-commerce firm and the interview date at the radio station were the exact same thing. Same time too, but different locations: one at Ikeja, one at Victoria Island. Long story short, I decided to go with the radio station which turned out to be the wrong decision, as I didn’t get the job. Meanwhile, I already missed the job opportunity at the e-commerce firm, so that’s that about that. I was bombed. Would my life had turned out any different if I had taken that job, or am I exactly where I need to be? I’ll never know. We should put in a lot of time and thinking into the decisions we make this year, let’s avoid stories that touch. Then pray to God to give us the knowledge and wisdom to discern right from wrong when it’s time to make those crucial decisions. Anything can change your life.  Peace and Love

At the year’s end

      Every blog post or write-up I’ve read in the past week all started the exact same way ‘it’s that time of the year again’, but why? It’s almost like there was a general consensus (I obviously didn’t take part in) by everyone to write the exact same way, and about the same thing; New Year resolutions. Funny enough, people have been writing like this every New Year period for the past, only God knows how long; and I’m very pressed about it. I thought there was an unspoken rule to leave that phrase back in 2001? Obviously, nobody else got that memo but me. 


Now that that’s out of the way, how are you on this dry and dusty day? Can you believe it’s almost the beginning of a new year? Another 365, just for you. I don’t know where I stand on this whole beginning and end of a decade thing, so please correct me if I’m wrong (of which I most likely am because my maths is rubbish), but isn’t the decade supposed to end next year? I thought that was how this thing worked, you count in 10’s.  Whose brilliant idea was it to ‘end the decade’ at 19, instead of 20? When you count, you don’t get to 9 and assume it’s 10? You follow through. Even CNN is confused about the whole decade thing, as some people believe we may be celebrating the decade one year too early. Either way, the past couple of years have brought us nothing but memorable moments.  


Who can forget when Lady gaga wore meat to the VMA’s back in 2010, I’m fairly certain the first iPad was released that same year. Then the wedding of life ( Prince Harry and Kate Middleton) that had Nigerians in Nigeria seriously pressed. After that, everyone started planking and pouring ice water on each other because of ALS challenge. The 10’s were also the year of the great boom:  Instagram, Twitter, and WhatsApp exploded, taking social networking to another level.  I feel both Jack and Mark Zuckerberg owe Nigerians thank you notes for making their apps pop all through. Social media influencers left, right and center. Mazi Ibe and Pamilore can’t even say anything bad about it; the years have been outstanding for the likes of them. 


The rise of you-tubers, opening up another stream of income, the successful but not so successful  ‘occupy Nigeria’ protests, the fall of Mo’ hits records, the separation of psquare, the numerous tankers that burnt at different times, Boko haram putting Nigeria in a chokehold, the terrorist attacks in the UK, sex for grades, President Buhari, corkscrewww and so much more. One thing is certain though, the years waved in mixed reactions. That being said, may the New Year be better. Truth is, if you don’t make a conscious effort to change, you’re going to remain exactly the same. Irrespective of how you spend your crossover i.e. church or otherwise or how many resolutions you make to break, you owe it to yourself to do better. Have a glorious 2020. Peace and Love.

Opportunity of inheritance

      For a minute, I almost forgot I had to post today. I’m still caught up in the whole lazy haze that is Boxing Day, and I guess you are too. You’re not active, neither are you lazy: just laid back and chilling. For that reason, I’m going to make this post short. Late last night, I was having a discussion with my guys (over drinks obviously), and I asked a question I had always wanted to ask. “If you as a rich man died right now, how do you feel about giving your child an inheritance”? The question went around, as I wanted each person to answer. 

The business man said as opposed to giving his children money, he would rather provide them with opportunities and leave a trust fund that can only be accessed when certain criteria are met. That seemed to be the consensus, as most of the guys stated their opinions which was in tune with the above statement. They all agreed on never giving actual cash, because if the child wasn’t industrious he would surely squander your money. 

So instead, provide him with opportunities and assist him. I’ve heard this statement echo from so many people, and I couldn’t disagree more. Just like the hustle chief(another friend), I’m going to teach my child the importance and value of money, how it flows and operates. Yes I will provide opportunities, but I will also provide money. If you squander it, that’s your personal business. What you do with the money after I’m gone has absolutely nothing to do with me. 

One thing is sure though, you wouldn’t say I didn’t provide. What you’ll realize is, you mismanaged. To not provide because I want to make you independent, grow and be creative is something I won’t do. I may be wrong, but that’s just how I feel. Peace and Love

How successful are you?

       As you most likely know at this point, I think a lot. A lot of times, that thinking borders on over-thinking: and for a bit, I’ve been re-examining and challenging a couple of my personal beliefs. I’ve seen the quote ‘‘Success is in the mind’’ at one too many places, and even used to Stan. But some incidents that happened during the past week had me thinking ‘is success really in the mind’? Can you separate physical success from mental success? Can there be one without the other, or do you need both to co-exist and survive? I’m thinking, even if you think and behave successfully without any physical connotations of success to back it up, is it possible to tag yourself successful? 
A big question I’m finding hard to answer is, ‘how possible is it to achieve equilibrium between the two without a self-esteem deficit i.e. can you be broke with no achievements but still be Charismatic because ‘success is in the mind’. We all know self-esteem is directly linked to success, but Success like most constructs has a general definition and a subjective one. In as much as success may be wealth and riches, I also understand that success is whatever you individually define it to be. There’s no uniform benchmark for success. Success might seem like getting a Rolex or achieving a milestone- but, a milestone to one person might be a wasteland to another.  In my opinion, the meaning of success is subjective just as much as it is all-encompassing. 
For example, I was somewhere over the weekend, and I saw people dress up and others dress down. There were guys clad in starched shirts, while others wore just t-shirts and slides- but still carried themselves like they had all the money in the world. Now, nobody is attributing dressing to success, but let’s treat this example as if the clothes were successful achievements. What made the people with the seemingly tacky appearance confident? I belong to the school of thought who believes that success in the mind and physical success can and should co-exist. 
You can’t have one without the other. Yes, it’s in the mind, but have tangible achievements (money included) to help as back up. I don’t know about you but to me, it’s more about the show and prove, than show and tell. Having said that, define success for you. Don’t let anyone put you down, use your own yardstick to back up what’s in your mind and own your greatness. Have a wonderful Christmas celebration. Peace and Love.